There is a phone call you can never really prepare yourself for: You loved one is gone.

Two months ago, I got that call. My father had died unexpectedly.

I don’t think anyone ever really sits down and thinks through everything that happens after they die. We think about our families, of course. We think about our finances. We might even have a will or a life insurance policy. But we don’t always examine all the practical pieces our loved ones will have to pick up and put together after we’re gone.

Who knows where the accounts are?

Who knows the passwords?

Who knows what bills are automatically being paid?

Who has access to the important documents?

Who knows what they wanted to do with all their stuff?

My husband and I own a financial services business. I like to think we know, at least of a basic level, a fair amount about financial planning and legacy planning. We’ve talked other people, beloved clients who rely on us for support, through these processes.

But if the past eight weeks have taught me anything, it’s you don’t know what you don’t know.

And when someone you love passes away unexpectedly, the scope of things you don’t know seems to widen like crazy.

So I’ve been thinking about the things I wish my family and I had talked about sooner. Not because I want anyone to dwell on death, but because having these conversation now can make an incredibly difficult time a little less overwhelming later.

Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned.

1. Have the Uncomfortable Conversations.

This is probably the biggest lesson of all. Communication is key. And yeah, I know we’ve all heard it over and over from life coaches and couples’ therapists and well-meaning relatives. Sometimes, cliches become cliches for a reason.

Here’s another way to put it: Don’t assume. There’s another cliché in play here: “Never assume anything. It makes an a** out of you and me.”

I used to laugh at that. And sometimes I still do (a sense of humor is important during times like these, you know?), but now that laughter is tinged with very present grief and just… a lot of frustration.

There were things I assumed my family knew. There were things I assumed were taken care of. There are things I assumed wouldn’t matter. And just after a family member has passed isn’t exactly the best time to find out those assumptions were wrong.

The fact is, talking about death, money, beneficiaries, insurance, and possessions isn’t anyone’s idea of a fun family conversation. But it’s much easier to have those conversations while everyone is fairly healthy and able to handle it, than it is to try to piece everything together while you’re grieving.

So my advice? Talk. Communicate. Start small with questions like, “If something happened to you, would I know where to find everything?”

Then, open the door to bigger conversations.

2. Check Your Beneficiaries. Seriously.

This is something we stress to our clients all the time. Check your beneficiaries. Then check them again.

Have you ever heard the expression about the cobbler’s children having no shoes? Well, let’s just say I have a deeper understanding of that expression now.

The big thing you need to know is that certain accounts and policies pass according to their beneficiary designations, which may operate separately from the instructions in your will. That means you can update your will, but if you don’t check your beneficiary designations, old wishes may override your new ones.

That’s why it’s important to actually look at what is on file. Don’t assume.

Log in. Pull out the paperwork. Call the financial institution or insurance company if you need to.

And while you’re at it, ask yourself:

• Do I have a will?
• Is my will current?
• Does it still reflect what I want?
• Who owns my life insurance policies?
• Who are the beneficiaries?
• Are the beneficiaries still the people I intend to receive those assets?

Life insurance ownership and beneficiary arrangements can be especially important to review because older policies may have ownership structures that no longer make sense for your family.

Talk with your attorney, financial advisor, and insurance professional about your specific situation. And remember that asking questions is more important to knowing all the answers.

3. Don’t Get In a Big Hurry.

When someone dies, there is an instinct to start shutting things down immediately. Close the bank accounts, cancel the phone, turn off the utilities, get rid of things, start cleaning out the house…

But wait…

Deep breath…

Don’t get in a big hurry…

There are a lot of practical reasons for this. For example, don’t shut off the cell phone right away. Why? Two-factor authentication.

Today, so many accounts require a code sent to a phone number or email address to verify your identity. If you shut down the phone number or lose access to the email account, you may make it much harder to access accounts that need to be managed.

We were fortunate that my dad had written down his passwords. But he hadn’t always updated when they changed. Luckily, I had enough information to regain access to his email account and get some passwords changed.

And…we had not yet shut off his cell phone. That turned out to be important.

If you’re helping settle someone’s affairs, you may need access to:

• Their email
• Their cell phone
• Their voicemail
• Online financial accounts
• Insurance accounts
• Utility accounts
• Subscription services
• Other accounts that use two-factor authentication

And don’t just know the phone number. Know how to unlock the phone. Know the password, how to access voicemail, where the passwords are kept. This is not something you want to try Sherlock Holmes-ing your way through after the fact.

4. Know Where the Money & Bills Are.

Another uncomfortable conversation, I know. Where is everything? How many bank accounts are there? Who is listed on those accounts? Are there investment accounts? Life insurance? Long-term care insurance? Retirement accounts? Credit cards? Loans? A mortgage?

And perhaps just as importantly: How are the everyday bills being paid?

Thing about all the things that happen – often automatically – every month.

• Electricity
• Cell phone
• Internet
• Gas
• Sewer
• Trash
• Health insurance
• Homeowners insurance
• Auto insurance
• Life insurance
• Long-term care insurance
• Car payments
• Mortgage payments
• Credit cards
• Subscriptions

How are these bills being paid? Know the answer can save a family a tremendous amount of confusion in a time of grief.

Then there are the physical documents. Is there a safe deposit box? Where is the key? Is there a safe in the house? What’s the combination? Where are the deeds, titles, insurance policies, and other important documents?

And here’s another lesson I learned the hard way: Make sure the right people are actually listed on accounts.

I had important information, but there were situations where an institution wouldn’t discuss the account with me – or even my mom – because our names weren’t listed.

It sounds absolutely ridiculous until you’re standing there trying to solve a problem.

These are simply questions, but simple questions can save you a lot time, and you will never know the answers unless you ask.

5. Write Down the Information Someone Else Will Need.

I know we’ve all been told not to write down passwords, but I’m going to challenge that a little. If something happened to you tomorrow, would your spouse or children know how to access the information they need?

I’m not suggesting you leave sensitive information sitting out in plain sight. I’m saying have a secure system for documenting it.

That might be a password manager, a secure document, or another method you have discussed with your family. The important thing is that someone you trust knows that the information exists and knows how to access it if necessary.

Think beyond financial accounts. What about:

• Email
• Cell phone
• Computers
• Social media
• Insurance
• Banking
• Investments
• Utilities
• Important Documents
• Digital Subscriptions
• Safe combinations
• Keys
• Business accounts

You’re not trying to make your family responsible for all aspects of your life. But you want to make sure they aren’t forced to become detectives while they’re grieving.

6. Talk About the “Stuff.”

This one is harder than it sounds. What happens to everything? The house, the furniture, the tools, the photographs, the family heirlooms.

The things that have sentimental value. The things that have financial value. And, sometimes, the things that only have value to one person in the family.

There can be a lot of family disagreements about “stuff” after someone dies. Some families can work through it easily. Some can’t.

I’ve started reading The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning by Margareta Magnusson, and one of the ideas that has really stuck with me is the importance of going through our possessions while we’re still here.

That means you might want to start asking:

What matters to me? What do I want my children to have? What can I get rid of now so they don’t have to deal with it later?

And maybe most importantly: Have I told my family what I want?

Sometimes the most valuable thing you can leave your family isn’t an item or a keepsake. It’s clarity about why it mattered to you, and who you wanted to have it.

7. And Then There’s Grief.

All of these practical suggestions are just that: suggestions. Because in the middle of all of this there is real grief.

Webster’s Dictionary defines grief as “deep and poignant distress caused by bereavement."

I suppose you could put it like that.

Some days are good. Some days aren’t. Some days you feel like you’re doing okay, and then something completely unexpected brings everything rushing back. And that’s okay.

It’s okay to not be okay.

You are not alone.

I have a very deep faith. I believe in God. I don’t like that my dad is no longer physically here with us. I still miss him deeply every day, but I believe with all my hearth that he is healed, whole, and with Jesus in heaven.

I’ve found comfort in Christian music, too. There’s a song by Matthew West called “Truth Be Told” that has really resonated with me during this time. One of its central messages is that we don’t always have to pretend that everything is okay when it isn’t.

I’ve also learned to ask for prayers. I pray myself, but it never hurts to ask someone else to lift you up in prayer, and I’ve yet to find anyone who told me they wouldn’t pray.

Grief sucks. It just sucks. I don’t think it ever completely leaves us. We just learn how to adjust to its presence.

You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know

If there is one thing I hope someone takes away from my experience, it’s this: Have the conversation before you need to have the conversation.

Talk about the money. Talk about the accounts. Talk about the beneficiaries, the will, and the insurance. Talk about the passwords, the house, and the “stuff.”

Talk about what matters to you, and don’t assume someone else knows. Because the reality is that none of us knows when that phone call is going to come. We can’t prevent an event we didn’t even see coming, but we can make it easier for the people we love to pick up the pieces when something unexpected happens.

My dad’s death has been one of the hardest experiences of my life, and I’m still not “through it.” I doubt I ever really will be.

But… it has also taught me things I wish I had understood sooner, and If sharing what I’ve experienced can help another family have one important conversation before it becomes an emergency, then maybe some good can come from all of this.

Communicate. Talk to the people you love. And tell them you love them while you’re at it.